These days I find myself really busy with work, so blogging is not happening as often as I would like. I have several topics in mind, but I don't have the chance to develop them right now. Please bear with me as I struggle to balance things in my life.
This is a tribute to my Dad, Alfred Strobel, that I shared at his funeral over five years ago.
The man I knew as my Father was a sick man. He suffered from manic depression for a significant part of his life. This type of mental illness causes an individual to suffer severe, excruciating bouts of depression, which are offset by periods of mania, or unrealistic, and euphoric happiness. Such drastic emotional stages can be very chaotic for the individual, as well as those around him. As a family we tried to hide the chaos and the pain of living with a man who was mentally ill and chronically sick. However, my father’s pain made itself real in the choices we made and the way we lived our lives. I have come to realize that through these choices, both healthy and unhealthy, my father has taught me much about himself, myself, and most importantly my relationship with God. As I have reflected on my Father’s life I have come to realize that I have learned some very valuable lessons because my Dad’s illnesses. Many of these are God given lessons. Others were just practical survival skills. I want to share a few with you.
1. God doesn’t always say “Yes”
I prayed for healing for my Dad for many years. I was selfish: I wanted a “normal” Dad. God’s answer to my prayers seemed to be just the opposite. Dad suffered through shock treatments for depression, countless medications for depression, a tractor accident, a severe broken leg where infection settled in the bone, Parkinson’s disease, heart problems, diabetes, multiple side effects due to medication such as liver problems, kidney problems, possibly cancer and finally, a stroke. To cope, I learned how to concentrate and focus on the task at hand, and put off the distractions and stress from my Dad’s illnesses.
I wanted a Dad I could talk to. I remember having to make Dad talk to me. A few days before my wedding, I went into my parents’ bedroom and lay down beside my Dad to chat. I asked him what he thought of John, particularly if he thought John would make a good husband. His response was that John was okay, good enough, or something to that effect. I wanted Dad to be excited and to share my passion. I wanted him to tell me what he thought of the man I was about to marry. That was not the kind of man my father was. If he had a problem with someone he would let him or her know, but if everything was okay, nothing needed to be said.
2. God has a purpose for my life.
One of Dad’s favorite sayings was “If God wanted me dead I would have died in that tractor accident.” I think he used this idea to excuse some of the things he did, but it did have an element of truth to it. It has been 20 years since a tractor drove over his head. All the bones in his face were crushed and he went through months of pain and reconstructive surgery. It is amazing that he survived and endured the recovery process. I have often wondered why God allowed him to survive. There must have been a special purpose.
It is a challenge to me to consider that God has a special purpose for my life.
3. God changes people’s hearts in His time.
When I was very young, Dad went through spells where he didn’t go to Church. I would often take notes in Church and then repeat the sermon to Dad while playing “church” with him on Sunday afternoons.
As a child at home, I never saw Dad read his Bible, although I knew he had one because I had to dust if off occasionally when it was my week to dust. Then, one fall, when Brenda and I were home for a weekend, we were shocked to see Dad lying in bed and reading his Bible. We looked at Mom and she happily informed us that this had become a nightly habit for the last few weeks. That Christmas we bought him an enlarged print NIV, but he told us that his King James small print version was good enough.
Even though he was not a Christian leader in our home, I know that Dad had a relationship with God. God could look past his illness and see his heart. God loves him and drew him close, wrapping His arms of love around him. It was often difficult to separate the Dad I knew with the illness from the Dad I knew who was loved by God.
4. God taught me forgiveness
God used my Dad to teach me forgiveness. I had to forgive because the pain and hurt from my childhood was eating me up. I wasn’t at peace. I was well on my way to becoming bitter and resentful and completely missing God’s rest for me. Those qualities have the potential to become a chain that is carried from one generation to the next. I did not want my children to be under the pain and hurt that I felt. I had to forgive, not because Dad needed it, but because I needed it. As C. S. Lewis puts it, “To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.”
It has been such a joy in the last few years of his life to see Dad’s face light up at the sight of his grandsons. John Nathanael threw soft toys at Grandpa and Grandpa threw them back. Joshua seemed quite content to lie in the crook of Grandpa’s arm and look at him. It was so cute when Grandpa looked down at him. I am so thankful for God’s healing in our family, to learn the joy and grace in forgiveness.
5. God wants us to strive to meet His standard
My Dad was a perfectionist. He was the fifth of five boys in his immediate family. That suggests that not only were his parents guiding and teaching him, but also four older brothers. He looked up to his brothers and wanted to be like them. I’ve heard that he wanted to join the army just like his brothers Reuben and Harold, but he was too young. I’ve heard his stories of going custom combining in BC just as his other brothers had done. That was a highlight in his life. Dad always was striving to some standard, whether imposed on him by his family or by himself. He often didn’t finish a project because he was frustrated that it wasn’t good enough.
As a child I worked hard to reach what I perceived was my father’s standard. My marks had to be the best. My piano pieces in the music festival had to be perfect. These things didn’t really matter to my Dad. I know he was proud of me, but these things didn’t help me reach this imaginary standard. I tried to earn Dad’s love, but I wasn’t able to. Despite that, I have come to realize that in his own way he loved me just as I was.
In the same way, I can’t earn God’s love. God already loves me and has sacrificed everything for me. His desire is that I seek His will and strive to be like Christ.
6. God teaches us of His love.
I am thankful that I had a chance to love my Dad. God knew that Mom and Brenda and I would be able to love him, unlike anyone else. God’s plan for our lives is perfect. That doesn’t mean it is always easy.
Brenda and Dad had a lot of fire in their relationship. Yet, Brenda could talk to Dad in ways that I’ve never been able to. She could make him laugh. She convinced him to buy a new suit for her graduation from high school. (I still wonder where she was last summer when Dad needed a new suit for her wedding.) She even talked him into selling his truck and trailer that were parked in the back yard, and buying a car for the two of us as we traveled to Bible school.
Mom and Dad’s love relationship was unlike any other marriage relationship. Dad didn’t know how to verbalize love to Mom, but in his own way he demonstrated his genuine love and admiration for her. Whenever we visited him in the Nursing Home he would ask for Mom and be quite upset that she hadn’t come along.
I loved my Dad and I know that Dad loved me, even though he didn’t tell me so. If I kissed him good-bye or told him on the phone that I loved him, I would simply get a nod or a silent response. That was a little hard to accept sometimes, but that is the relationship we had. He really loved his grandsons and it was a joy to see his face light up whenever they came to visit. I think his face got sore from smiling so much during the course of our visits to him.
I learned many lessons in my childhood, which have helped shape my life. I am thankful to God for my Father and for the things I have learned from him. Some day I will be reunited with my Dad and I look forward to seeing a man who is free from pain and is no longer ill.
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